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The Beginning and Motivation

I was born on August 1, 1986, just before morning cartoons were about to start (according to my mom at least).  I was about a month late, resulting in me weight 11lbs 6oz and causing my mom to get a cesarean section.  Being on the big size now is rather funny as I'm average weight while the rest of my immediate family (parents and grandma) are on the heavier side.

I have always joked around with my family that I must have been switched at birth, because I have so many differences between them.  But as time has gone on I notice how similar I am to them.  I think like my dad, but have the intelligence and curiosity of my mom (although I excel in most areas compared to her).  My dad is a mechanical designer while I am going to school for web development and design (many differences, but more similarities then you'd think).  I've also noticed that as I've gotten older my parents have taken on things that I've done.  Only parents I know that play more video games then their kid.

And they are where my drive comes from.  I can't think of anything else that pushes me further than trying to not fail them.  Being their only child and having them put up with so much stuff and leaving me stay at home even as I close in on 26 and work towards finally getting somewhere in life is beyond what they should have had to endure from me.  I look at what I have and know that I wouldn't even be here anymore if it wasn't for them.  And I don't say that as a metaphorical or deep thing, I literally mean that I would have killed myself a long time ago if they weren't so great (but that's the topic for next time).

That's why I can't fail them.  They've worked so hard for me to throw it all away.  I don't care if I remain miserable and end up dying alone, as long as they are happy then I will push on.  That is how they raised me and what I've determined keeps me dragging myself forward.  I have nothing else, so I do it for them.  They will probably never see this at a point where it will matter too much what is said here, but it is out there for them to find and maybe one day I'll show them this.

I will say one thing though that I have learned to not do if I'm fortunate enough to have a kid of my own.  They told me that they raised me to be smart and caring, and that they thought they succeeded and that there was nothing else for them to do but let me live my life.  Smart and caring so far has meant sad and lonely to me.  Maybe a little bit more assertiveness would have helped, but hey can't complain too much.  As much as I'm not happy with the one part of my life I can't say that I'd change anything about me.  I like who I am, and damn what anyone else thinks about me.  I will change for no one, as doing that would completely invalidate what my parents raised me to be.  And in the end, smart and caring is something that this world could use a lot more of.

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The next installment will be on the dark side, probably the side that anyone who know's me has never heard of or at least not to the extent of their knowledge.  Stay tuned.
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