Putting the Pieces Back Together

The thing that I've started to realize over the days and weeks is that when my "walls broke" that what caused it was not the end all be all reason for it.  It was the straw that broke the back.  The thing that opened pandoras box. As I've said many times, things that have happened in the past have always just been bottled up on the inside.  They were never let out, so while the exact reasons may have faded from memory, the emotions never did.  I won't ignore that what has happened hasn't been one of the roughest things on me, but I'm starting to see that it's been amplified by everything in the past. The biggest thing is just the fact that it's always been hard to deal with the fact that I'm alone.  As days go by, it doesn't get easier.  The advice of just get out there doesn't get any easier to hear.  So when there is that moment of regret, the thing that I said I would do my best to avoid, it hits extra hard. But that's just a ...

It's that time of the year where it rains like crazy.  Normally I'm a fan of rain and thunderstorms.  That is up to a certain time of the day. When I first moved down here it was the fall.  It didn't rain much at first so, like a normal person, I slept in my bed.  It was brand new, but that doesn't matter since it's a Select Comfort bed.  Still takes some time to get it just right though. Then it started to rain.  The window sill for the window in my bedroom is metal.  When it rains, it patters rather loudly.  Now, I use to be someone that could sleep through anything.  I slept during a hail and wind storm in a travel trailer with two shaking dogs.  I didn't know about it until the next morning. But this very focused sound makes it nearly impossible to fall asleep if it's raining before I'm asleep.  It's ok if I'm already asleep, but I don't sleep through the night anymore so the first time I wake up to see what time it is, I'm n...

The one thing that I've always joined is helping people.  So when I get to help someone learn something I have no problems with doing so.  I may not be the best at conveying things sometimes, but I do my best to make sure that there is at least some understanding by the time I'm done. The one thing that I've always done is taught by being jokey in the way I go about it.  Unfortunately, a lot of the times it makes me come off as an old man as the things that I tend to teach is stuff that for most people goes over their head.  I forget that even with the people I work with or the people that have had questions about things I do, they same basic train of thought doesn't always exist. It would be like someone trying to explain rocket since to a marine biologist.  Both people are smart and good at what they do, but they live in different worlds and think differently.  I tend to have to dumb things down and I worry that I sometimes I come off as I'm talking dow...

There's part of me that longs for the days of "old".  Where if I wanted to talk to a friend, I rode my bike over the their friend and we would go somewhere or play some video games.  If you wanted to talk to someone you either had to call them on a landline or write them a letter. It's true that life is so much easier with keeping up with people.  Just go on to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. and you'll know basically everything about how someone's day went.  You don't even have to interact with the person to know everything about someone anymore. Is this a good thing?  To most people it probably is.  Our lives are a lot busier now, especially for those of us who were kids to adults as this stuff was becoming more of a thing.  But I feel for at least me that I've lost or never gained social skills that would have helped me. I'm horrible at going out and meeting people.  If I don't meet them at work, chances are I'll never get to know ...

The problem with trying to write for 30 days, even though I accidentally deleted one of my posts (thanks mobile app), is trying to think of things to write.  There is so many times that you can write a post like this before you're just stretching for something to write. I've thought about writing about politics, but I just can't get myself to do that.  I hate it so much that it's just going to be a bunch of crap.  I guess everything else I've written is pretty much crap anyways, so maybe I should for the hell of it. Wrestlemania is coming up this Sunday so I'll probably write about how dumb wrestling is.  Maybe I could talk about how wrestling and politics is a lot a like.  Hell, the president of the US is in the WWE Hall of Fame.  It pretty much writes itself. But I think I'll throw this up on Facebook and see if anyone has anything that they want to see.  Probably not, but hey at least I tried. So that's it for today.  Nothing even remotely ...

Today was Kyle Larson's second career win.  He's leading the championship early in the season and will at least be in the chase when they get to that point in the season.  Today was the return of my nervousness as the race got to the end as it seemed like anything that could happen to take the race from him was going to happen. Thankfully it didn't, and after finishing 2nd in 4 of last 5 races he finally got a win.  I hadn't been that nervous watching a race since watching Jeff Gordon win at Martinsville at the end of 2015.  After that season Gordon retired (if you ignore him filling in for Dale Jr after his concussion) and racing was a lot easier to watch.  At least less stressful. Racing is one of those weird sports where at some point your favorite driver is going to retire.  It something like football, players retire, but if you are a fan of a team players just come and go.  When your favorite driver retires, it's kind of like the entire team is ...

Fate of the Furious comes out in a few weeks and I for one can't wait.  While the movies are not what they used to be, most would argue that they are miles ahead of what they were.  They would have to be; otherwise, they wouldn't still be making them.  That said, I'm still partial to the the original. The Fast and The Furious is a car movie.  It's not the action/heist movies that the recent movies have been.  It's the set up for what is to come, but it's just a good dumb movie.  I like cars.  You may not get that from the fact that I like station wagons (previous: Saturn LW200, now: Subaru Outback), but I truly do. I like racing, I like power, I like drifting, and I just love the look of cars.  I'm not a gearhead.  I'm sure if I had to I could figure out what to do, just have no desire to mess with the vehicle I drive on a daily basis.  One day, if I'm lucky, maybe I'll be able to get a second car that I can just mess with. But back t...

After being called a nice guy or a good guy for my lifetime, they're has always been one question that I've had.  If I'm such a good/nice guy, why have I always been alone?  I have friends.  I have great friends.  But I've never had anything more. Throughout the years I've always been wondering what the missing "but" was.  No one has ever said that word, but I know it is there.  Just never said to my face.  Sometimes it seems like people will do their best to not say it.  Avoiding saying it to me, by going through someone else to just say they aren't interested.  It's like getting to the ending of a story, without getting any of the key plot points to tell you how you got there.  It's frustrating.  Obviously there has to be something.  30 years means there has to be something.  And I can't fix what I don't know.  A simple answer is all I need. Maybe the dumb stuff I say here somehow comes off in my actual personali...

I try to be an honest person.  At least I'm not going to lie to someone.  If someone asks a vague question of me, I may "duck" it by giving a vague answer.  But most of the time if you ask me a very direct question, I'll give you a honest answer. I also expect that of people that I know.  In fact, I would expect them to tell me more than most people would think that I would want to know.  If you don't like me, then tell me.  It might suck when you first say it, but it keeps any unknown from being there.  It lets both of us not waste our time.  Simple concept. I had someone tell me not to like them one time.  Actually didn't even hurt or anything like that, but allowed me to know what things were and we could then just be friends.  It sounds harsh, but it really isn't.  If everyone was honest from day one then there would be less hurt feelings. Ok, maybe not less hurt feelings, but the level of hurt would be much lower.  Coul...

I'm a picky eater.  That becomes apparent quickly if you are ever around me at a restaurant or are trying to order something.  I've always been that way.  My parents had tried to get me to eat more, but I think at some point they just gave up.  The advantages of being an only child. As I've gotten older, I've become less picky, but compared to most people I still am.  I even get teased about it.  The one thing that I've always been weird about though is that I love liver.  Always have since I was a little kid.  Don't know why, just have. On the opposite spectrum of that though is I hate mayo.  Pretty much everyone I know likes it, but not me.  I understand that it's in a lot of things that I eat, but I'll plead ignorance on what it's in. The one thing that I've learned though as I've gotten older is that I like Asian food the most.  And I'm not just talking about the basic Chinese food that you can get.  I enjoy Japanese foo...

I took today off so I could play Mass Effect Andromeda.  After going to see Get Out, which is an awesome movie worthy of the praise it gets, I got home and tried to play some.  Turn the Xbox on and find out that Xbox Live is down.  Of course the game requires an online connection so that means I can't play it at all.  Hooray for technology. Now I've already played some, and while the critical feedback on the game is meh, I still in enjoy what I've played.  But I'm not going to talk about the new Mass Effect, I'm going to talk about the old Mass Effect games.  Games that are regarded much higher than the new one. So, the Mass Effect trilogy (1-3) are some of my favorite games.  Mass Effect 1 had the best story.  Mass Effect 2 had the best characters. And Mass Effect 3, well, it played probably the best and it wasn't that bad. There are a lot great things about the series.  Your choices do matter at times, not so much at the end of ME3 thoug...

My mind is great at winning.  That winning just so happens to be at making miserable.  It's all it knows, so it does it's best to make sure to keep that up.  Today, I had a minor victory. Normally where anxiety would hold me back from asking a question that is somewhat confrontational, I instead pushed through it and asked the question.  It solved the issue that caused me to pretty much blow up Saturday night and it kept me from what I do best.  Dwelling on shit that I shouldn't dwell on. A simple idea, something that I should have put into practice a long time ago.  Why hold things in if they're just going to make yourself miserable.  Ask the question, say what's on your mind, or just forget it.  Forgetting it is the hardest thing to do, so why not just do the first two things? That answer has always been because of the worrying about what would happen and the negativity would boil up to the point where it just got too much and I would shut do...

After the event of yesterday, today I started reading one of the books that I had placed in a wishlist to buy this month.  The book, "Unfuck Yourself: How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life" by Gary John Bishop, is something that as you have read is something that I should be striving to do.  Easier said than done, but life isn't easy. I stopped reading to write this because the last chapter that I read, "I am wired to win" actually made a lot of sense.  The basic concept is that the brain is hardwired to always win.  It doesn't matter what it is winning at it, it will always win.  this means that if it is wired in your head that you can't have a successful relationship, your brain will make sure that it wins at accomplishing that. It's little messed up to think about it, but it does make sense.  When you're good at something, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing to you personally, the mind will make sure that you accomplish it.  Y...

So the last post was the last post.  But it isn't going away.  That anger, that hate.  It's only directed at myself.  Can I blame other people for it?  I could if I was petty.  But my own shit is my own shit. It's one thing to have people that do things when they don't know it has any affect on you.  It's another thing when they do.  I'm usually good with stuff that happens to me.  I don't brush it off like I should, I store it inside.  Well not store, but try to burry. Something I've mentioned a lot in these posts, but something that has been so much a part of my life.  I try to think that when people do something they are aware of what affect it has on other people that may be involved.  Maybe they think that what they are doing just doesn't matter that much. Well, maybe people should be a little bit more careful.  A warning maybe.  I slight hint that maybe you should just not go to something because what you wil...

Did you ever have that feeling of the worst possible situation happening, but you still go do whatever it is because you figure that it's just all in your head?  I do that a lot.  It's my nature.  99% of the time what I think is going to happen doesn't happen. I had written a couple of paragraphs out of anger.  Did I mean every single word that I wrote.  Fuck yea I did.  But I'm bigger than that.  I keep telling myself that at least.  I've put up a lot of shits in my life.  A lot of fucks given about things that I probably should just let go, but sometimes that just doesn't work. I'm 30.  A lot of people are.  A lot of people can also say that they are "alone" at 30, ie not married or not in a relationship.  I've been saying that all my life.  30 years, not even a single date. This was going to be its own post, but I feel that at this point it's time to just to get it out there because it will keep me from saying any o...

* Insert joke about how I like girl's butts here *  I figured I'd spare everyone a similar joke as before and let you fill it in for yourself. Anxiety: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.  I had always figured that anxiety was just something when someone would freak out for some reason.  However, with that definition (taken from what you see when type in anxiety in Google) my eyes opened a little bit. I looked into it a little more and things started to make a little more sense.  Two of the biggest things that have been anchors in my life have been the fear of what people think of me and worrying that if I try to talk someone that I'm just annoying them.  If anyone knows me, I'm a quiet person until someone starts talking to me.  I'm not necessarily a chatterbox once someone does, but I tend to be more sociable. This is something that has been with ...

Hello, ladies!  Sorry, when I thought of the title, the first thing that came to mind was a dirty joke.  I tried to keep it clean. Depression is a horrible thing.  Do I suffer from it?  No.  Would any doctor, therapist or psychologist diagnose me with it?  Probably.  The one thing that I've been mostly good at throughout my life is putting on a smile and hiding how I usually feel.  But maybe it's been a part of me for a lot longer of a time then I had thought. I originally thought it started in middle school.  The time in everyone's life when they're trying to figure shit out.  So let's put all of them together and let them figure it out together.  That's a good idea isn't it?  Not really.  Tends to boil down to the kids that are the bullies and the kids that are the bullied.  Guess which one I was. It got so bad that I would miss weeks of school at a time because my stomach just wouldn't let me go.  So a doct...

The best part about going to school was that after I finally got a job, I realize that very little of what I learned actually was useful.  There was the basic fundamentals that were useful, but most of what I was going to do would have to be learned on the job.  This is normal for most jobs, but the amount of what I've learned since I started almost 4 years ago would probably blow younger me's mind. The first thing was something that they never taught me in school, working within a CMS.  This isn't the hardest thing to learn the basics of, but when one of my first big projects at my new job was to rebuild an entire CMS to upgrade the version and combine three sites under the same CMS instance, you have to learn things quickly.  Thankfully, it was in a language I had worked with before, so I at least had an understanding of the coding style.  Thankfully most of it wasn't that hard as it was just rebuilding what already existed.  However, putting three site...

I moved down to where I am almost three and a half years ago.  First time living on my own, which is pathetic for how old I was when I finally moved out, but I was at least prepared for everything. The biggest problem that I've had is more on the social aspect of living on my own.  I moved to an area where I had no friends.  Not that I was so far away from my friends that I'd never see them again, but the distance makes it so the weekends are the only option that I get.  The one thing anyone would expect within a three plus time period is to make some new friends that are local.  Yea, didn't happen. I'd consider the people that I work with friends, but like normal people they have busy lives that don't afford much time for me to do stuff with them.  I've been told that you just got to put yourself out there to make friends.  No shit.  the things is, I'm a quiet person.  Some would say shy.  I'd say too shy. A lot of people make friend...

The one thing, or one of the hundreds of things, that sucks about getting older is that it's harder to maintain the weight from when you were younger.  Metabolism gets slower, people get slower, yet time speeds up.  Time sure is the biggest bitch of them all in the end. I had tried to lose weight in the past, but with little success.  Not that I was ever "fat" fat, but I was getting sluggish.  That happens when you have a desk job and aren't very active.  But I found the perfect diet almost a month ago, and it's worked like a charm. Most people when something happens and they need to comfort themselves, tend to eat more, which obviously would not help with losing weight.  For me, when something happened that broke down some of the strongest walls that I've built in my mind, my reaction was to not eat.  For a good 3 or 4 days I barely ate anything.  And as one would expect when you stop eating so much freaking food, I started to lose weight. The...

Ok, I was never not broken.  In reality, everyone is broken in some way or the other.  It always just comes down to how much someone lets it show. This is; however, my return to this blog in almost 4 years.  I started it as a reason to try and get some of my shit out there.  I did some, but it only lasted for a little bit.  Well, I'm back and ready to talk about how much I'm fucked up (maybe some other stuff here and there).  The answer is probably about the same as everyone else is.  You'd think things would have changed after almost 4 years though, wouldn't you? So, for anyone that read this in the past (who are you and why did you ever read any of my crap?) you'll have some new content to roll your eyes at soon.  You're welcome! Also, as a little added bonus, as I was trying to remember that this was the blog that I actually put some time into, I found an older blog.  I looked at some of the posts and I'll probably do a redux post based ...