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The Big A

* Insert joke about how I like girl's butts here *  I figured I'd spare everyone a similar joke as before and let you fill it in for yourself.

Anxiety: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.  I had always figured that anxiety was just something when someone would freak out for some reason.  However, with that definition (taken from what you see when type in anxiety in Google) my eyes opened a little bit.

I looked into it a little more and things started to make a little more sense.  Two of the biggest things that have been anchors in my life have been the fear of what people think of me and worrying that if I try to talk someone that I'm just annoying them.  If anyone knows me, I'm a quiet person until someone starts talking to me.  I'm not necessarily a chatterbox once someone does, but I tend to be more sociable.

This is something that has been with me throughout my life, strengthened more during middle school.  I tend to avoid big groups.  Bars are a nightmare for me, not only because I don't drink, but because most of the time people are drinking and talking and half fun, but if I'm not involved I don't want to interrupt that.

Meeting new people is nearly impossible.  The only way that it happens is if I happen to be put in a situation where I have to talk to people, usually work.  This isn't a bad thing.  I truly do enjoy interacting with people, but in my head I'm always so scared about saying something wrong or what they think of me.  This goes for everyone.  Even people that I've been friends with for years I still have those some worries and concerns. 

It's kept me from talking to people on Facebook, in person or in any other of the ways that I can communicate with people.  It's impossible for me to tell anyone how I feel about them, unless something big happens and I can't keep it in anymore and go on each day.  That may seem extreme, but it's true.  It's one of the reasons why I'm at where I am right now mentally.  It fucking sucks.

And I know people will say "well just put yourself out there, that'll help".  I've heard it plenty of times.  No it doesn't.  It's impossible to do so when all you are thinking is that no one wants to deal with you or talk to you as they've already judged you.  And maybe they have.  Maybe they actually do want to talk, but they're just waiting for me to talk to them.    But my mind shuts that down so quickly that you'd lose a finger if you somehow got your hand it my brain.

It's a realization that has been there.  I've known that I've been holding myself back.  And it's really hard to overcome something on your own, when you're on your own.  I go back to the people that say go to a therapist, and as I've said in the past I can't get past the part where I'm just paying someone to listen to me talk.  I'd rather know it was someone who cares.  That's just a tough thing to find.

So that's it for now.  I know I said the last time that these won't all be me bitching about myself, but well that needed to get out there even if it is incoherent.  Maybe tomorrow.

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