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Pandoras Box

The thing that I've started to realize over the days and weeks is that when my "walls broke" that what caused it was not the end all be all reason for it.  It was the straw that broke the back.  The thing that opened pandoras box.

As I've said many times, things that have happened in the past have always just been bottled up on the inside.  They were never let out, so while the exact reasons may have faded from memory, the emotions never did.  I won't ignore that what has happened hasn't been one of the roughest things on me, but I'm starting to see that it's been amplified by everything in the past.

The biggest thing is just the fact that it's always been hard to deal with the fact that I'm alone.  As days go by, it doesn't get easier.  The advice of just get out there doesn't get any easier to hear.  So when there is that moment of regret, the thing that I said I would do my best to avoid, it hits extra hard.

But that's just a part of it.  A part of a bigger dump of stuff that has just piled on and on and on that I was never good at just dealing with.  I should have.  I know I should have.  It's something that I will push people to talk about if I notice that something is wrong.

It's a poison.  A chaos that when unleashed is hard to put back.  At this point I don't know if I should put it back.  I felt earlier this week I was starting to get it back into its box.  Then just today I realized that I was nowhere close.  And maybe that's ok.

I have to keep it under control.  Letting raw emotion out is never a good thing in certain environments.  There are some people that can deal with watching someone unleash it, but trying to make sure that the understand that it's not directed at them can always be hard to convey.

I have some great friends that have helped, who I can't thank enough.  Whether it's as simple as just asking how I'm doing without any provocation, or if i said something that caused them to.  It's a nice thing.  It's kept me going at times when I honestly just didn't know what to do.  A therapist is probably in my future.  I don't want to waste the money on it, but sometimes you have to admit defeat.

I can only fight so hard for so long.  It's what I do best.  You only learn from failing.  You only get stronger after your weakest moments.  I could roll over and end it.  I've been close.  But that's not how my story ends.  I've been fighting myself all my life and I'm just not that good of a quitter to stop now.

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