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Predicted Nightmare

Did you ever have that feeling of the worst possible situation happening, but you still go do whatever it is because you figure that it's just all in your head?  I do that a lot.  It's my nature.  99% of the time what I think is going to happen doesn't happen.

I had written a couple of paragraphs out of anger.  Did I mean every single word that I wrote.  Fuck yea I did.  But I'm bigger than that.  I keep telling myself that at least. 

I've put up a lot of shits in my life.  A lot of fucks given about things that I probably should just let go, but sometimes that just doesn't work.

I'm 30.  A lot of people are.  A lot of people can also say that they are "alone" at 30, ie not married or not in a relationship.  I've been saying that all my life.  30 years, not even a single date.

This was going to be its own post, but I feel that at this point it's time to just to get it out there because it will keep me from saying any other stupid shit that I was going to. 

To make it to 30 without even being on a single fucking date in your life is pathetic.  I'll say it, because anyone that is reading this is already thinking it.  And then people wonder why I have no confidence.  Go 30 years without anyone showing interest in you.  See how fucking confident you are in yourself.

It's demoralizing.  It's dehumanizing.  What the fuck is wrong with me, huh?  I've been told that I'm a nice guy.  Well nice guys finish last, right?  Well at least they finish.  I haven't even been allowed on the track.  I'm apparently defective.  Worthless. 

Prove me otherwise.  Show me one person that would say nice things about me, but actually mean it and want to spend time with me.  They don't fucking exist.  They don't.  30 years has taught me that. 

Maybe it's shit like this that's the reason.  "No shit!"  But honestly, something like this doesn't come out of me.  I bottle it up.  I keep it in.  My brain has trained itself to just suck it up.  But if there is a heart in me, then it's had fucking enough.

It's out.  It won't go back in.  Those walls are down.  You want them to go back up, those times are over.  I know they'll be there when they are absolutely necessary, but outside of that I'm done keeping them up.

Will that stay true?  Probably not.  I am a nice guy after all.  I have to be the bigger person.  I have to be the one that uses the logical side of his brain only.  No emotions.  They don't exist for me.  I have no right to be emotional about anything.  Go fuck yourself.

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