Everyone usually has two parts to their lives, the professional and personal sides. This is true for me as well although things tend to blur together to the point that it's just one big mess. When I was young a had school and I had friends I did stuff with that was completely separate from school and had nothing to do with or even mentioned school. As I grew older, school was the only place that I really did anything with friends. I did something with friends outside of school maybe a handful of times between 6th and 12th grade.
After I graduated, I didn't do anything with anyone. From 2004-2006 I went to school when I was still going and that was it. I got used to only interacting with someone when I was at school and outside of that I had my friends that I played with on the computer. Good people that I've gotten to know over the past 7+ years. Then again they were just on the computer, not something that got me out of the house. When I got my job at Menards I was a rather quiet person, and carryout was good for that since I could avoid people a lot. Unfortunately, I got hurt rather quickly and was put on a register.
For someone who had been pretty isolated over the years that kind of sucked. I've always been a shy person, but add on top of that having to deal with a bunch of people each day was rough. Even the people I worked with a barely talked to at first. After awhile that changed and I made some great friends from there that have done a good job of at least making me seem like I exist. Even after leaving Menards and being back to where I was almost 8 years ago, they have at least still been around to talk or do something with from time to time. It's beyond appreciated and at least has shown me that I do have friends regardless of where I work.
That will probably have to do for what can be considered coherent. The rest will probably be jumbled as I'm not sure what will follow. What will be next though is what I consider the "other half".
There is the classic saying "nice guys finish last". But in my case, I must have failed inspection and I'm not even allowed onto the track. I'll be 26 this year and figuring in that around the age of 13 is when people start casually dating that'll mean for half my life I've been single. I tend to just consider it all my life even though technically no one is dating when they are 5, but that's not the point. When you go that long having been single, without anyone, not even a slight hint that someone would be interested in being with you it gets rather demoralizing.
It gets even worse when the one thing that you've always wanted was to be married and have a family. Yes, a rather odd thing for a guy to want most, but for me it's true. As years go on, I tend to just find it harder to handle. It makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. If I had a problem getting a long with women it would make more sense, but that's never been a problem. Heck my first friend was a girl and the two people that I consider my best friends now are girls.
Biggest problem would be to even tell someone that I liked that I liked them. Always ends with me keeping myself from saying anything cause I know it wouldn't end well. This is something that goes all the way back to the first girl I liked in third or fourth grade. Same exact mindset (although back then it would have been foolish anyone for how young I was). The one time that I was able to get myself to actually say something it didn't end poorly, but it didn't end in anything so in the end it just confirmed what I had thought.
I've talked about this before with people to a smaller extent and always get the reaffirming lines to not worry. But, I know myself to well to not worry. I've had a little head start on what I've feared will be my future since leaving Menards. I knew once I graduated, got a actual job, and had my own place that it was over. I knew that I would fall into the pattern of work and home. I could avoid everything. Talk to people when I need to and other than that just isolate myself.
People aren't supposed to live alone, but I'm gonna have to. It's an inevitability that is shown to me more and more every year. Better to accept it and move on sooner then let it eat at me more and more. On the plus side people who live alone have a shorter life span so that works out in the end. It's a sad and bleak mindset, but trying to keep my head up and stay positive has only led to more sadness and more strain on trying to keep myself positive.
And it has been a good struggle trying to stay positive about myself. I can't figure out what is wrong with me, but the fact is that I like who I am and I'm not gonna change me. I've been told that I should go to bars or Starbucks to meet someone, but I don't drink and I'm not someone who hangs around a Starbucks so that wouldn't be me. And in the end people tend to think I'm nice, which in the end isn't a bad thing, although does get the response from me of "and that's why I've been alone my entire life."
But even saying all that I still have a hard time accepting it. I like anyone, don't want to be alone. It sucks. It's the worse thing in the world. It's not fair for anyone to be alone. Everyone deserves to have someone. But maybe that's not for me. Maybe that little bit of hope that I try to keep is pointless. I should just do what I plan on doing. In the end it's probably the best thing I could do, because otherwise it'll continue to just eat me away.
That will probably have to do for what can be considered coherent. The rest will probably be jumbled as I'm not sure what will follow. What will be next though is what I consider the "other half".
There is the classic saying "nice guys finish last". But in my case, I must have failed inspection and I'm not even allowed onto the track. I'll be 26 this year and figuring in that around the age of 13 is when people start casually dating that'll mean for half my life I've been single. I tend to just consider it all my life even though technically no one is dating when they are 5, but that's not the point. When you go that long having been single, without anyone, not even a slight hint that someone would be interested in being with you it gets rather demoralizing.
It gets even worse when the one thing that you've always wanted was to be married and have a family. Yes, a rather odd thing for a guy to want most, but for me it's true. As years go on, I tend to just find it harder to handle. It makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. If I had a problem getting a long with women it would make more sense, but that's never been a problem. Heck my first friend was a girl and the two people that I consider my best friends now are girls.
Biggest problem would be to even tell someone that I liked that I liked them. Always ends with me keeping myself from saying anything cause I know it wouldn't end well. This is something that goes all the way back to the first girl I liked in third or fourth grade. Same exact mindset (although back then it would have been foolish anyone for how young I was). The one time that I was able to get myself to actually say something it didn't end poorly, but it didn't end in anything so in the end it just confirmed what I had thought.
I've talked about this before with people to a smaller extent and always get the reaffirming lines to not worry. But, I know myself to well to not worry. I've had a little head start on what I've feared will be my future since leaving Menards. I knew once I graduated, got a actual job, and had my own place that it was over. I knew that I would fall into the pattern of work and home. I could avoid everything. Talk to people when I need to and other than that just isolate myself.
People aren't supposed to live alone, but I'm gonna have to. It's an inevitability that is shown to me more and more every year. Better to accept it and move on sooner then let it eat at me more and more. On the plus side people who live alone have a shorter life span so that works out in the end. It's a sad and bleak mindset, but trying to keep my head up and stay positive has only led to more sadness and more strain on trying to keep myself positive.
And it has been a good struggle trying to stay positive about myself. I can't figure out what is wrong with me, but the fact is that I like who I am and I'm not gonna change me. I've been told that I should go to bars or Starbucks to meet someone, but I don't drink and I'm not someone who hangs around a Starbucks so that wouldn't be me. And in the end people tend to think I'm nice, which in the end isn't a bad thing, although does get the response from me of "and that's why I've been alone my entire life."
But even saying all that I still have a hard time accepting it. I like anyone, don't want to be alone. It sucks. It's the worse thing in the world. It's not fair for anyone to be alone. Everyone deserves to have someone. But maybe that's not for me. Maybe that little bit of hope that I try to keep is pointless. I should just do what I plan on doing. In the end it's probably the best thing I could do, because otherwise it'll continue to just eat me away.
I can relate to the second part of this post - especially the "nice guys finish last" part. The way I look at it is that I would rather finish last than be someone/something I'm not. I always try to be myself and I don't change who I am or how I act in any number of settings or situations. As long as I'm happy with who I am, the rest doesn't matter. I suppose it could probably be summarized as, "As long as I'm true to myself, fu** the rest."
ReplyDeleteI look at it kind of like selling out. If I change how I act or who I am to benefit myself in the short-term, I'm only doing a disservice to myself. I don't know, I guess that's sort of how I justify being a "nice guy".