Below are thoughts that I wrote out during a period of time and can be rather depressing and are mostly rubbish.
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Dark Thought Ramblings
To start out, this will not be a “feel sorry for me” story/rambling as I don’t deserve any sympathy as there are people that have things much worse than I. This is more to just cause someone to think, assuming anyone ever ends up reading it. So, don’t worry about any whining about how I think my life sucks and that things are dire. That’s not what the purpose is. Now let the ramblings begin.
I feel that I should give a little background on my life in order for anyone that reads this to at least know something about me. Growing up things were never “tough”, but they could always have been better as anyone would think about their life. The hardest part would have been around seventh grade while being bullied for what was basically all of middle school, and when the dark thoughts that will be discussed throughout began. Now, people are bullied all the times, after a while it stops, which in my case it did after a little bit through my freshmen year of high school. However, during this time (December 17th to be exact) my father received a phone call that made me had to emotionally grow up a lot sooner then I’d have liked. My grandpa had a stroke, would later find out that he had brain cancer, and would die 15 months later after starting treatment. This would be easier had my grandparents not lived with us throughout that entire period as my family didn’t have any escape from it. It was rough on my dad, rough on my mom, and rough on my grandma. To me, I just had to suck it up and be the tough one in the family, and so the walls began. Thankfully, I had a friend that ended up helping me out more than she may have thought and I moved on. Since then, it’s been just a mundane life; crappy job, lonely life, blah blah blah. Well that’s the just of it so now off to the purpose of all this: stupid ramblings.
“As long as someone still loves you, you have no right to end your life”
That would be a line from Welcome to the NHK (an anime) after a group of people go away to kill themselves only to realize that things can be better. It’s a good quote; however, it is flawed. If there is someone who cares for you then they would have noticed that something was wrong and have helped them to before anything would have happened. The thing is the most people, even those who love and care for you, ten to not take the time to actually notice something may be wrong.
It’s a product of modern society, people are too busy to take the time to ask a simple question and actually want a sincere response. Simple “How are you?”s are expected to only be followed by a “good” or “fine” response. Nobody take the time anymore when they don’t get that response to ask anything else, or if they do get such a response they only hear the word and not hear the voice or see the face that said it. It’s why I always am disgusted by people who say that someone who killed themselves was “selfish”. They are not the selfish ones; it’s the ones who didn’t take the time to talk with them that are the real selfish people.
I’m not saying that suicide is the right answer, it’s not and I personally think it’s a coward’s way out. But I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought of it, or that I don’t anymore. Personally, I’ve lost count and the times keep coming. But, I’m still here and the only way I’m going anywhere is if it’s meant to be. And thinking this way has allowed me to do what I preach. The people I care for, I take the time to talk to if I sense anything is wrong. I even try to inquire more about people that I meet from time to time, because some time all someone needs is someone to talk to regardless of who it is. It’s not hard; in fact if you care about someone it should be the easiest thing in the world to do and should be of no inconvenience to you.
"Mankind is a species which surrounds its innermost self with high, strong walls. Should he ever attempt to seek out and overcome this barrier himself, he is repulsed almost immediately. Thus it is impossible for him to see aught but those towering walls which surround him. The castle hidden within lies not only unapproachable, but all but invisible." - Friedrich Nietzsche
To say that this quote is perfect would be an understatement. This is thee quote that defines all humans, whether they would be willing to admit it or not. Everyone has walls that they build in order to keep them from either being too vulnerable or to just keep things from getting to them. Not everyone’s wall is the same though. Most of them are rather small allowing for the person to express and share things that they want to. Some people on the other hands have big walls that make it difficult to even get through to a person.
My wall tends to be continually be growing and have shown no sign of slowing down. This has a lot to do with my life, as things are not the greatest and I have to deal with a shitty job (as I know many have to) with no real outlet to blow off some steam. The problem has grown to the extent that I really have no ability to communicate how I feel at all. Not that I don’t know how I feel, but I am just unable to actually say anything to anyone about anything. This has the problem of making the wall work both ways. While things may not necessarily get to me because they are stopped by the wall, the things that do get through tend to just stay inside and fester.
In the beginning this was not an issue as there were only a few things that would bug me. As time has gone on those things among many, many other things have just started to pile up. I’ve become easily irritated and rather sad at the same time. I’ve always been concerned about what will happen when the one thing that trips my breaking point occurs. Will I lash out in misdirected anger and do something that I will regret? Or will I just break down and be an overly sad wreck of a person? I’d say I’ll find out sooner rather than later, but with the way I’m able to keep stacking stuff up I don’t know if that point will ever occur. That may be a good thing as I’ll never have to worry about it. But when I already feel like I’ve got the weight of the universe on my shoulders then how much more could I really carry.
Time will tell I guess. I’ve already notice issues. It literally takes all my energy each day to just keep myself going. I could probably get so much done if I didn’t have to force myself to keep myself moving forward. There are times when it takes all that I can muster to keep myself from breaking into tears, and the funny thing is that no one ever notices how much I struggle with it at times. And there have been times when my body has just given out and I’ve collapsed to the floor. Thankfully, it has only happened at home and when no one is around so I can just pick myself up and keep going.
But the biggest problem doesn’t apply to me, it applies to the others around me. I feel bad for them. Not because of any of their own problems, but because they have to deal with me. They have to put up with who I am and even if there is the off chance that I get someone that wants to know how I’m doing all I can give is a simple fine. And then there is the bigger issue of people that come to me to help them get through their troubles. Most people wouldn’t go to someone who isn’t able to help themselves, but people have this thing for telling me their problems.
The funny thing is that the advice that I tend to give them actually helps them feel better. The sad thing is that the advice that I do give can tend to be decent, but I refuse or am just incapable of following my own advice. I’m kind of a hypocrite in that sense. However, I do urge people to avoid building up walls to protect themselves. They shouldn’t, no one should. Being able to talk about your feelings and being able to get help is one of the greatest abilities in the world. I wish I could do that. I know it sounds simple, but that doesn’t always make it so.
Random Thought
A lot of the times when I’m at worked I get the typical question of “how are you?” from a customer. I could go with the normal answers, but most of the time I’m usually in a bad mood when there so I tend to respond with “I’m alive.” This tends to cause the guest to not respond at all, chuckle, or so something along the lines of “well that’s a good thing.” To continue I tend to respond with a simple “sometimes” and tend to just let things go.
Today I had a guest that asked me that same question and I gave that same response. The guy laughed, and said that it can’t be that bad. I responded with something that made the guy go on about how things could be worse, like I could have cancer or be in pain, which when he mentioned pain I was able to restrain myself from responding from that point although I did make the comment that if I was dead I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that.
Now that brings up the whole suicide thing again, but this has nothing to do with that. In the end death is a person’s escape from everything in life, good or bad. For some this is the most horrifying thing possible. They don’t want to leave their life and for good reason. Sometimes it’s the only savior for a person who is having a miserable life. This can be done at their own hands (a cowards way) or just by natural causes. So, if someone hears something like my response the fact that they don’t recognize that the person who said it may have a reason for saying it. It’s a more dangerous thing to ignore then to try and say things can be worse. Yes, they can be worse, but they could also be better.
“A man that has nowhere else to turn sits there with a bible in one hand, a gun in the other, and a bottle at his feet. He sits there thinking that he has no other choice but to choose one. But instead he chooses none of them. Not because he has another choice, but because he is not a quitter. The gun is the coward’s way out. The bottle is to give in into the others that have driven him to this point. And all the Bible has done is given him more proof that humans by nature or not good and should not be trusted. So, instead he will stand back up and push himself forward. He does so because he has no other choice, because if no one is going to help him then he might as well go on out of spite. He pushes himself on fueled only by the sadness and anger that now fills his heart, another lost soul that could have been saved by a simple friend.”
I leave off with a quote from a brilliant man. It’s a wonderful and uplifting quote that should make you think when you’re even in the darkest place.
“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs
Sealing the Coffin
2012 may not be the year that the world ends, but it is the year that I finally seal the coffin on myself. I don’t mean my physical self, no, that would be an easy way out. I mean the person I am. That person does not deserve to have to deal with the pain, the sadness, the loneliness that he has had to endure for 25 years. No. That person deserves much more. That person deserves to be loved, to have people enjoy his company, deserves to be loved. But he gets none of that. Well, I’m done letting people do that to him. I’m going to bury him, and make sure he never has to deal with that shit again. Maybe he’ll get to come out in the future, but only when I feel that he will get what he deserves. 2012 will be the death of him to everyone that knew him, though few really did. From now on, I will give exactly what I get back. You want the nice me from the past, you’ll have to earn it. You don’t care or don’t want to earn it, then that’s your choice and your choice alone. I’d rather have people be honest to me and say that they hate me or that they don’t want to talk to me or be my friend then to lie to my face. And I don’t want any of the fake “let’s talk” or “are you ok’s” from this. If you want to talk, then actually take the effort and try and talk with me. I’m a person, I am real. I’m not that hard to get in contact with. If you want to talk then you can actually talk to me. But then again, don’t bother if you don’t actually care. It wastes your time, and it wastes my time. I’d rather have you just ignore me like so many people always do. It’s easier on you, because in the end that’s what matters. And after all that’s the real lesson that I’ve learned from life so far. Everyone else matters, and I’m just here to listen. Feelings only exist for other people, and for me to have them is pointless. So burying my feelings, burying myself is the only option I have to get anywhere in this life. It’s a shame that I have to kill off who I really am. Oh well. That doesn’t matter.
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Dark Thought Ramblings
To start out, this will not be a “feel sorry for me” story/rambling as I don’t deserve any sympathy as there are people that have things much worse than I. This is more to just cause someone to think, assuming anyone ever ends up reading it. So, don’t worry about any whining about how I think my life sucks and that things are dire. That’s not what the purpose is. Now let the ramblings begin.
I feel that I should give a little background on my life in order for anyone that reads this to at least know something about me. Growing up things were never “tough”, but they could always have been better as anyone would think about their life. The hardest part would have been around seventh grade while being bullied for what was basically all of middle school, and when the dark thoughts that will be discussed throughout began. Now, people are bullied all the times, after a while it stops, which in my case it did after a little bit through my freshmen year of high school. However, during this time (December 17th to be exact) my father received a phone call that made me had to emotionally grow up a lot sooner then I’d have liked. My grandpa had a stroke, would later find out that he had brain cancer, and would die 15 months later after starting treatment. This would be easier had my grandparents not lived with us throughout that entire period as my family didn’t have any escape from it. It was rough on my dad, rough on my mom, and rough on my grandma. To me, I just had to suck it up and be the tough one in the family, and so the walls began. Thankfully, I had a friend that ended up helping me out more than she may have thought and I moved on. Since then, it’s been just a mundane life; crappy job, lonely life, blah blah blah. Well that’s the just of it so now off to the purpose of all this: stupid ramblings.
“As long as someone still loves you, you have no right to end your life”
That would be a line from Welcome to the NHK (an anime) after a group of people go away to kill themselves only to realize that things can be better. It’s a good quote; however, it is flawed. If there is someone who cares for you then they would have noticed that something was wrong and have helped them to before anything would have happened. The thing is the most people, even those who love and care for you, ten to not take the time to actually notice something may be wrong.
It’s a product of modern society, people are too busy to take the time to ask a simple question and actually want a sincere response. Simple “How are you?”s are expected to only be followed by a “good” or “fine” response. Nobody take the time anymore when they don’t get that response to ask anything else, or if they do get such a response they only hear the word and not hear the voice or see the face that said it. It’s why I always am disgusted by people who say that someone who killed themselves was “selfish”. They are not the selfish ones; it’s the ones who didn’t take the time to talk with them that are the real selfish people.
I’m not saying that suicide is the right answer, it’s not and I personally think it’s a coward’s way out. But I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought of it, or that I don’t anymore. Personally, I’ve lost count and the times keep coming. But, I’m still here and the only way I’m going anywhere is if it’s meant to be. And thinking this way has allowed me to do what I preach. The people I care for, I take the time to talk to if I sense anything is wrong. I even try to inquire more about people that I meet from time to time, because some time all someone needs is someone to talk to regardless of who it is. It’s not hard; in fact if you care about someone it should be the easiest thing in the world to do and should be of no inconvenience to you.
"Mankind is a species which surrounds its innermost self with high, strong walls. Should he ever attempt to seek out and overcome this barrier himself, he is repulsed almost immediately. Thus it is impossible for him to see aught but those towering walls which surround him. The castle hidden within lies not only unapproachable, but all but invisible." - Friedrich Nietzsche
To say that this quote is perfect would be an understatement. This is thee quote that defines all humans, whether they would be willing to admit it or not. Everyone has walls that they build in order to keep them from either being too vulnerable or to just keep things from getting to them. Not everyone’s wall is the same though. Most of them are rather small allowing for the person to express and share things that they want to. Some people on the other hands have big walls that make it difficult to even get through to a person.
My wall tends to be continually be growing and have shown no sign of slowing down. This has a lot to do with my life, as things are not the greatest and I have to deal with a shitty job (as I know many have to) with no real outlet to blow off some steam. The problem has grown to the extent that I really have no ability to communicate how I feel at all. Not that I don’t know how I feel, but I am just unable to actually say anything to anyone about anything. This has the problem of making the wall work both ways. While things may not necessarily get to me because they are stopped by the wall, the things that do get through tend to just stay inside and fester.
In the beginning this was not an issue as there were only a few things that would bug me. As time has gone on those things among many, many other things have just started to pile up. I’ve become easily irritated and rather sad at the same time. I’ve always been concerned about what will happen when the one thing that trips my breaking point occurs. Will I lash out in misdirected anger and do something that I will regret? Or will I just break down and be an overly sad wreck of a person? I’d say I’ll find out sooner rather than later, but with the way I’m able to keep stacking stuff up I don’t know if that point will ever occur. That may be a good thing as I’ll never have to worry about it. But when I already feel like I’ve got the weight of the universe on my shoulders then how much more could I really carry.
Time will tell I guess. I’ve already notice issues. It literally takes all my energy each day to just keep myself going. I could probably get so much done if I didn’t have to force myself to keep myself moving forward. There are times when it takes all that I can muster to keep myself from breaking into tears, and the funny thing is that no one ever notices how much I struggle with it at times. And there have been times when my body has just given out and I’ve collapsed to the floor. Thankfully, it has only happened at home and when no one is around so I can just pick myself up and keep going.
But the biggest problem doesn’t apply to me, it applies to the others around me. I feel bad for them. Not because of any of their own problems, but because they have to deal with me. They have to put up with who I am and even if there is the off chance that I get someone that wants to know how I’m doing all I can give is a simple fine. And then there is the bigger issue of people that come to me to help them get through their troubles. Most people wouldn’t go to someone who isn’t able to help themselves, but people have this thing for telling me their problems.
The funny thing is that the advice that I tend to give them actually helps them feel better. The sad thing is that the advice that I do give can tend to be decent, but I refuse or am just incapable of following my own advice. I’m kind of a hypocrite in that sense. However, I do urge people to avoid building up walls to protect themselves. They shouldn’t, no one should. Being able to talk about your feelings and being able to get help is one of the greatest abilities in the world. I wish I could do that. I know it sounds simple, but that doesn’t always make it so.
Random Thought
A lot of the times when I’m at worked I get the typical question of “how are you?” from a customer. I could go with the normal answers, but most of the time I’m usually in a bad mood when there so I tend to respond with “I’m alive.” This tends to cause the guest to not respond at all, chuckle, or so something along the lines of “well that’s a good thing.” To continue I tend to respond with a simple “sometimes” and tend to just let things go.
Today I had a guest that asked me that same question and I gave that same response. The guy laughed, and said that it can’t be that bad. I responded with something that made the guy go on about how things could be worse, like I could have cancer or be in pain, which when he mentioned pain I was able to restrain myself from responding from that point although I did make the comment that if I was dead I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that.
Now that brings up the whole suicide thing again, but this has nothing to do with that. In the end death is a person’s escape from everything in life, good or bad. For some this is the most horrifying thing possible. They don’t want to leave their life and for good reason. Sometimes it’s the only savior for a person who is having a miserable life. This can be done at their own hands (a cowards way) or just by natural causes. So, if someone hears something like my response the fact that they don’t recognize that the person who said it may have a reason for saying it. It’s a more dangerous thing to ignore then to try and say things can be worse. Yes, they can be worse, but they could also be better.
“A man that has nowhere else to turn sits there with a bible in one hand, a gun in the other, and a bottle at his feet. He sits there thinking that he has no other choice but to choose one. But instead he chooses none of them. Not because he has another choice, but because he is not a quitter. The gun is the coward’s way out. The bottle is to give in into the others that have driven him to this point. And all the Bible has done is given him more proof that humans by nature or not good and should not be trusted. So, instead he will stand back up and push himself forward. He does so because he has no other choice, because if no one is going to help him then he might as well go on out of spite. He pushes himself on fueled only by the sadness and anger that now fills his heart, another lost soul that could have been saved by a simple friend.”
I leave off with a quote from a brilliant man. It’s a wonderful and uplifting quote that should make you think when you’re even in the darkest place.
“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs
Sealing the Coffin
2012 may not be the year that the world ends, but it is the year that I finally seal the coffin on myself. I don’t mean my physical self, no, that would be an easy way out. I mean the person I am. That person does not deserve to have to deal with the pain, the sadness, the loneliness that he has had to endure for 25 years. No. That person deserves much more. That person deserves to be loved, to have people enjoy his company, deserves to be loved. But he gets none of that. Well, I’m done letting people do that to him. I’m going to bury him, and make sure he never has to deal with that shit again. Maybe he’ll get to come out in the future, but only when I feel that he will get what he deserves. 2012 will be the death of him to everyone that knew him, though few really did. From now on, I will give exactly what I get back. You want the nice me from the past, you’ll have to earn it. You don’t care or don’t want to earn it, then that’s your choice and your choice alone. I’d rather have people be honest to me and say that they hate me or that they don’t want to talk to me or be my friend then to lie to my face. And I don’t want any of the fake “let’s talk” or “are you ok’s” from this. If you want to talk, then actually take the effort and try and talk with me. I’m a person, I am real. I’m not that hard to get in contact with. If you want to talk then you can actually talk to me. But then again, don’t bother if you don’t actually care. It wastes your time, and it wastes my time. I’d rather have you just ignore me like so many people always do. It’s easier on you, because in the end that’s what matters. And after all that’s the real lesson that I’ve learned from life so far. Everyone else matters, and I’m just here to listen. Feelings only exist for other people, and for me to have them is pointless. So burying my feelings, burying myself is the only option I have to get anywhere in this life. It’s a shame that I have to kill off who I really am. Oh well. That doesn’t matter.
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Last Light
Last Light
What drives a person whose heart is empty? When what they really want only seems to
taunt them and torture them as something that they will never have. When their future only beholds more
loneliness and drags them further away from what they really want, even though
it is a better life then they currently have.
Some would say that it is hope that drives them, the thought that things
will get better. That no one deserves to
live alone. But what if that someone
doesn’t believe that is true? What if he
only sees it as an inevitability that he will have to live? When all he can do is except it and push on
till his time comes? How does he go
on? He just does. There is nothing that carries him
anymore. He pushes on as only a
motion. Maybe it’s out of spite. Maybe it’s hate that moves him forward. Or maybe there is that little light left
flickering inside. The light those years
of bottled up sadness and loneliness just were unable to extinguish. The light that all the walls he built to keep
him standing was actually protecting; the light that had stayed alive in hopes
that something or someone would come and set it free. Maybe that is the only thing that truly keeps
him moving forward.
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