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Power of the Mind

The mind is powerful thing.  It can also be a huge cunt.  I was sleeping last night and was having a dream.  The dream was something that I've done my best over the past few months to not to think about.  It was getting to the point that I was getting upset and managed to force myself to wake up.

The last thing I remember before waking up was just me yelling "No".  There was part of my mind that knew what it was trying to avoid.  It was a fake thing.  Part of whatever consciousness that dreams are a part of was just trying to be a pain.

But the effort I've been putting into trying to forget was able to force its way in and stop it.  Now this had the downside that it was hard to get back to sleep.  Thankfully I came up with an idea for something at work, which is kind of ironic that I was able to turn the dream and what it kind of relates to into something that was actually useful (worked to as I tried it today).

The bigger problem is that even as hard as I try there is still that part of the brain that keeps trying to bring it up.  My defenses have gotten themselves almost back to where they were, but in my attempts to let some of the emotional side have it's say it unfortunately is trying to bring up the past.

I live in both the past and the future.  It's what depression and anxiety do to a person.  It makes it very difficult to try and live in the present.  I've been doing my best and trying my hardest to make sure that I try and enjoy where I'm at now.  It's a hard thing to do when you've never been able to do it.

It's also hard when you are actually fighting the way that your brain has wired itself over a 30 year period.  I believe I need to continue spending more time or at least interacting with my friends.  That has always been able to keep my mind off of things.  I'm streaming tomorrow in hopes that I can at least play a game and interact with some friends that might watch.

Now time to go and try and shut the bastard off.  Benadryl will have to do.

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